Emergency Update 30/9/2022

Hi, guys.
First thing first, I'd like to thank all of you who have lent me an ear and tried to give me advices regarding my newlywed problems.
I often find myself surprised. The advices are very on point and exactly in line with what I had in mind. I had hoped that my husband will be able to see past his stubbornness, be independent, and learn together with me about what 'family' really mean.

However, something absurd happened and I'd like to give you a head's up that this week's progress might be lacking/not what I'm hoping for... (I feel very bad because I know the progress is already slower than usual...)

In any case, here's the summary:
Two days ago, I've had another discussion with my husband and... He didn't even understand why I was upset in the first place... 
After some intensive talk, it became clear to me that he had no intention to go independent/live separately with the in laws. (The conflict & stress comes mostly from mother in law and honestly, I don't have the energy nor the patience to face her demands anymore.) I have offered many options, like using the gold I've received from Sangjit to rent/buy an apartment in installments, but he refused.

And after we came to a disagreement, he actually... sent my things back the very next day...  and he even wanted to tear our marriage certification from the church...

The problem happened since 16th Sept and he didn't even attempt to fetch me. He also didn't message me at all after telling me to bring my mom to his house and have a talk... once he messaged me, I found out that he didn't even know why I was upset in the first place... I mean, he didn't even listen to me when I exploded and talked about many things?

I don't want to give up, but if he keeps taking his mother's side and didn't consider my feelings, that I need him, how is he my husband?

All I can say now is... I'm tired and I don't know what to do anymore.
My mom is furious and didn't want to have anything to do with him/his family anymore while me? I... don't think I can go on. Funnily enough, I feel disappointed but mostly empty. Is it because I've already wasted enough tears in the first week? I also feel relieved that I don't have to face mom in law anymore.

I also feel regret that my wedding ended up like this. I must've disappointed my mom and a lot of people...

With that said...
I will try to do some programming in the weekends, but I hope you can give me some leeway if I do less than usual :')


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I am sure the heartache you’re feeling right now is great, and I am so sorry. Please just remember that you’re your own person and you don’t need anyone to make you amazing and valued. I hope that things work out, but if not, there are so many things and people out there just waiting to enter your life. 🤍

Thank you, sweetginger1108!
It was hard but I've come to accept it. What happened to me is a life lesson, learned in the hard way. Still, I feel lucky because a lot of people got my back, especially here where I kept coming back to re-read the comments :')

So thank you for being here during a hard time. You gave me strength,



I'm sorry. I'm not sure how valid my advise is. I don't even know whether I should comment or not. But here I am... I come from a different cultural background, but to me your hubby sounds like a 100% momma's boy and your family in law should mind their own business. Especially his mother. You aren't wrong. You aren't bad. You aren't a disappointment. Everything about this situation sounds like old-fashioned over the top conservative bollocks. You shouldn't need to fight for your right of living your own life. You shouldn't feel trapped. Because that's what they do (Energy vampires). Or at least it sounds like that to my ears.

Your husband is stuck in the past and sounds like one of those "women should behave" numb-nuggets. Then there's the stereotypical "dragon" mom. It's 2022.

I don't want to give up, but if he keeps taking his mother's side and didn't consider my feelings, that I need him, how is he my husband?
I found out that he didn't even know why I was upset in the first place... I mean, he didn't even listen to me when I exploded and talked about many things?

I'm very sorry... but no. He is not. You should be the priority. I... ah. If he magically doesn't make a 180° turn very soon then I don't see how this will last. To be frank I can only see it getting worse from here on. He showed you his face after making this marriage official. Either "divorce" yourself from them or you bend yourself to such a painful degree at which you aren't even yourself. I don't think it's wise to let this "recent" thing turn into a sunk-cost fallacy on your side. Go while you still can.


Hi, Amberbaum!
Yes, I suppose one of the problems with Chinese families are the traditions? There are good ones, but there are also some questionable ones... Like, we must be filial and follow the parents' rules without questioning right or wrong. Which is why I wanted for us to buy a house and pay instalments instead of living with the in laws. But when he said he wanted to inherit the store, which is right next door and promised that his mother won't be so overbearing, I compromised--which is a mistake. 

I trusted him, but he never stood up for me when it involved his mom. One problem led to another, and when he kept underestimating said problems/tell me to ignore it (even when the relatives talk bad about him). I exploded.

After everything is said and done, he has made his choice and I've come to accept that some things are just not meant to be...

Still, I must say I'm pretty lucky. I have a lot of people supporting me, especially here, where I kept coming back to re-read all your comments :') It gave me strength and here I am, picking up the pieces and hopefully, I'll come back stronger.

Thanks again, Amberbaum!



He probably hopes that if he ignores it long enough that it will "just go away". Meaning you will give up and submit yourself to whatever him and his mother want.

Please remember that before you meet him you were fine, whole and were able to be happy. That's what my mother said to herself when my father left us. It will feel really bad and even numbing. But it's better to leave now, especially when you guys don't have any kids and while being financially independent. Whatever the future holds for you I hope you'll find something better. Maybe you won't even care about marriage and will be happy with just being a couple with whoever is going to be your love. Who knows...

Anyway... Your husband is a muppet. I wish you all the best. Eat something nice. Hug your mom. 

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Chiel. Chiel, I'm so so sorry. I don't know what to say. I think you should rest right now, please rest, I insist. Do you have a friend who is a neutral party whom your husband trusts too (preferably married)? How about asking them to mediate? Or... couple's therapy? But... I get it... if he is the one who doesn't want to change, then whatever you do... If only one of you is the only one who actually makes effort... Why even here? But let's wait... Let's give him and yourself time...

It's valid to feel you disappointed people, but from what I have seen and from what other people have seen too, you didn't. You are fighting for what you believe and it's not wrong at all. Tbh, I want to curse at them but well... it doesn't feel right to curse at people I don't even know.

Please talk to people, to people you trust. Or if you need a stranger, you can talk to people below who have offered their ears. I don't feel qualified since this is not my expertise, but you can talk to me too. You know my Discord or if you want, I have Twitter: @kpchrs. I'm active there. I'm a master distractor, I can distract you at least for a while if need be.

If resting is hard, for whatever reason, doing a daily routine might help. To keep you busy. To keep you from falling into a spiral. Play games. Watch movies. Read books. Hug your dogs lots. Take care of yourself, Cici.


Hi, Kris Akane!
Yes, I'm resting and I think I'm fine now~
Funnily enough, I've talked to one of my husband's friends, who is already married and had a child. He agrees with me that his family's dynamics is not healthy. He wanted to help, but at that time, my husband have already sent back my things... so I said to the friend, no matter what happens from here on, I'd like to thank him for the intention.

Also, thank you for wanting to curse people for my sake, but they're not worth it. I have a feeling that my husband is still underestimating said problem, thinking I'm the rude one for being impolite to his parents :') I guess you can say I've had a bad premonition because he never stood up for me when it involves his mother.

With that said, I've taken note of your twitter account~ thank you and please don't mind me, I'm usually a silent stalker over there x'D I can say I'm okay now because I have a lot of people who supports me, especially here. When I was at my lowest, I kept coming back here to re-read all the comments. 

So thank you, for giving me strength,



Hey, hun, I am so sorry to hear that it got worse, but should know that you are not a disappointment. Don't ever allow someone else to make you believe you are. Your mom is definitely so mad at him because she sees the fault in him and not you, you tried so hard to talk, compromise, find solutions and you are still trying to find the fault in yourself - you are so so compassionate. 

This is not your fault. And it's okay to feel empty and it's absolutely ok that you maybe don't know how to feel about all of this. The man you thought you would spend your life with turned out to be someone very different from who you believed him to be, that's incredibly hard. Take your time to figure everything out. Take time with your mom, the dogs and maybe talk to some friends, even if it's hard, but don't worry about us, we will be here, the entire time, patiently waiting and rooting for you! Like the comments before me already beautifully pointed out, we are here for you and we hope that you will do, what is best for you. If it is already such a relief to not having to face your mother-in-law then something is definitely wrong and you shouldn't be forced to deal with that forever. 

Ultimately a marriage is between two partners who need to compromise and if it doesn't work out for whatever reason, that is also between those two people. Everyone that cares about you and your well-being and understands your struggle would never even think to consider you a disappointment. You are just protecting yourself and that's so so  important! 

However, I do have to say, if you find a way to compromise, a way to reconcile this whole mess after all, we'll be behind you as well, of course. But in that case, make sure you can trust your husband and trust in your communication. We just want you to be happy, remember that <3 

xoxo Sazura

Hi, Sazura!
I don't know what else to say besides... thank you :')
I've come to accept that some things are just not meant to be. I guess it still came as a shock how easily he gave up on our marriage, but I'll survive. Let's just say I've learned a life lesson in the hard way.

My mom is calmer now and my doggos are now exasperated with me because I kept coming for a hug lol. But most of all, I feel lucky and grateful that a lot of people are supporting me, especially here where I kept coming back to re-read all the comments.

Like you said, a marriage is between two partners. Both of us need to work on it. It can't work if only one side compromises. He has made his choice, so while it pains me, I'll pick up the pieces and hopefully, I'll come back stronger.

Lastly, I'd like to thank all of you for giving me strength to do so :')



I read your response on my comment and hon, it's okay YOU are not a disappointment, your mom isn't disappointed wit you. If anything she's probably upset on your behalf in general/upset at his family.
You didn't do wrong, you loved the wrong person, and it can happen. I know how that goes with my first son's dad, down to living with family/him having no drive on it, except in his case it was his grandparent's and he was intentionally sowing discord between us because he was trying to sever any ties I had with anyone/making me extra trapped.

I will say when it comes to him, though remember this... When someone shows you who they are, and what their priorities are, believe them. Especially if this seemed more like a flipped switch after marriage. Some guys put on an extra show and only once they feel you're stuck/trapped(even if they don't realize/do it actively) start to show their worst sides because they feel "Well she made her choice and is stuck with it" kinda things.
Thankfully it's also better when the masks slides earlier, because although it's harder when married, once kids're involved it can be so much harder. x-x 
But also seriously, YOU ARE SO NOT A DISAPPOINTMENT! You're caring, forward thinking, and were actually well meaning and went in to the relationship with good faith. You matter, your family cares for you, and even if it can be stressful, it definitely seems like your mom really cares for you

Also, we're all here for you, and I'm here, on twitter as Seraiden3, etc and if you ever want to talk, get stuff on your chest etc? Legit feel free to message me, it's no burden, and I sleep somewhat odd times anyway so if I'm up I'll respond. :D


Thank you, Seraiden.
I've expected some surprises when I got married. But what truly shocked me was his working ethics.
I mean, I know that he's an extrovert. He's outgoing, fun, and really talkative with his friends. Heck, when I first knew him, it was at an internet cafe. He was really friendly and greeted everyone there every time he drops by. But when he work at the store, it looked like he became another person; grumpy and rude. At first, he can't even wake up and go to work at 7. I had to ignore him for 3 days until he fix that habit.

I kept nagging him about it because one of my beliefs is 'If your husband can work/is hardworking then no problem is too big to solve'. Not to mention the mom in law, who keeps complaining to me about it. But well... after the storm, I've come to accept that some things are just not meant to be.

After everything is said and done, I've taken note of your twitter account~
Don't mind me because I'm often a silent stalker on twitter x'D It already means a lot for me to have you over here, reading my updates, and having my back :')

Thanks and with lots of hugs,


Of course, feel free to follow/stalk it etc. I mean what's a lil stalking each other's pages between friends? xD
Sorry stuff' gone so rough but I hope it only goes on an upswing from here, because eugh, I know the feel so hard of thinking someone you love is how they are, but then it turns out to be just their public persona/mask. 
And I still agree on the both sides need to compromise. If only one side bends, there's only so far to bed before you break, y'know? :<


Oh no, that's awful... I can't believe he would go to such an extreme so quickly. I'm so sorry. :( I know I don't know him and so this might not be fair to say, but it really seems like he just expects you to fall in line with his way of life. That's not a marriage, not a partnership. That's controlling another person.

Don't blame yourself and don't take on the disappointment you are worried others might feel about this situation. You've already done everything you can to work things out. You've made so many compromises for your marriage. You cannot help that he is unwilling to do the same. Just because you married him does not mean that you have to suffer in a situation that is so one-sided and mentally unhealthy. You expected to enter into a partnership when you married him, and that is not what he is giving you.

I don't know what will happen next, but please don't compromise one more thing for someone who isn't willing to do the same for you. I realize you don't want to give up yet (of course you don't, he is your husband), but if he is willing to so easily give you up, isn't going to put any real effort into resolving things with you, is going to always prioritize his mother over his wife, then as you said...how is he your husband?

Please don't worry about us and Bermuda. We could never be disappointed with you. We know you love this project and will always fight for it, but right now you have to take care of your own health. You are going through so much right now. It's completely understandable that you need some time to process everything and deal with it all. You are a bright, sweet, talented, kind, creative, beautiful person, and I really hope you will be able to find a way forward that makes you happy!

Hi, scriptomancer!
I've replied to your message from 2 days ago, but let me tell you here again that I appreciate you trying to help me :')

It still astounds me how he easily gave up. What was he thinking? Is marriage a joke to him? I've married and moved into his house with the determination to become a better person, to integrate into his family. But I guess some things are not meant to be. Now that I think about it, they haven't even given me the house key after I lived there for almost 3 months. And after our fight, I realized that no matter how hard I worked to make them like me, in the end, they didn't message my mother and ask about me, not even once. 

After everything said and done, I guess I'm still lucky that I have a lot of people supporting me... Especially here, where I continue to come back just to re-read the comments :') the more I read them, the clearer my mind becomes so thank you. It means a lot.

Thanks again for being here, scriptomancer.



I am so very sorry SweetChiel that the situation has changed for the worse. You should be happy and not dealing with something like this!

It's one thing that he can't understand why you're upset, but to go to such extremes and send your stuff back and threaten to destroy the wedding certificate is unbelievable. He can't be totally indifferent to you and your feelings. If he does, then he doesn't deserve you! I'm sorry if I'm overstepping my bounds, but this is not a reaction you would expect from a person who loves you. A relationship can only work with mutual understanding, respect and compromise. 

No matter what you decide or how it ends, please don't regret it. Don't measure your worth and happiness by this relationship! And you didn't let anyone down and it's not your fault! You did everything you could. (talked, made suggestions, made your opinion known, submitted to everything that was asked of you). 

I know everything I/we say will not necessarily make you feel better. But know that I and the others are here for you and are happy to listen. Feel free to get in touch if you want.

And please don't feel bad about your progress with Bermuda. I know this is very important to you, but you know we are always patient. Take good care of yourself!

<3 Yanonako


Hi, Yanonako!
Well, the irony is that when he said we're finished/separate, what comes to me was largely disappointment & relief that I didn't have to face mom in law again, followed by emptiness and sadness... I guess I've had a premonition since he never stood up for me when it involves his mother. He underestimates a lot of our problems and that just won't do for me.

Like you said, a relationship can only work when two people respect, understand, and compromise. Not just one side. I've come to accept that this will not work.

After everything is said and done, thanks for being here, Yanonako :'D
Last week was hard, but I kept coming back here to re-read all the comments. It gave me strength and I'm slowly picking up myself. I can say I'm fine now, because I have you guys :') Thanks again, xoxo,


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Hi, you've never seen me before because i never write on your updates but i do read them every week. I just wanted to write to give you some support. I went through a similar thing in a relationship (not marriage just bf/gf) and his mother was so overbearing that she would come over to our place every day just to see him and cook for him. At first, when it started happening i thought i just had to deal with it because i thought it was rude to set boundaries with his mother. When i did talk to him about it he made it seem like i was being rude and paranoid. Eventually, it became an everyday argument and we went our separate ways. At first, i felt the way you felt and thought that I was supposed to do more. That i was the one that was supposed to make it work. Like i could've done more and me not doing that was just me giving up.

You can't force a relationship with someone who is so ready to give up so easily. Marriage and relationships include compromise and it sounds like he wasn't ready to do that. you've had your talks with him and have tried to communicate. You've done your part. It's up to him now whether he's officially going to go through with it. Don't blame yourself for something you cannot change. DO NOT drive yourself insane on what you could've done and what you "should've" done. DO NOT do the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. DO NOT let a man show you more than once that he doesn't want you and doesn't want to make things work. DO NOT let your worth and your happiness be evaluated by your relationships. I'm not explicitly going to say leave because i don't think that is a good thing to say, but if a marriage makes you feel like this i don't think it's a marriage to be in. Also, i'm sure your mother wants what's best for you, especially your happiness

No matter what you decide the community that you've gathered online will always be there for you. I will always be here to support you. Whether it be silently on the sidelines or through these forums. Do what you need to do and please after everything is over and you still feel this way, please seek mental help for your sake. I hope i didn't overstep and i apologize if i did. I wish you all of the best!

Hi, VersaceHostile! Nice to meet you~ 
I'm really happy to hear that many people are silently supporting and reading my updates. 

What happened to you sounds really similar to what happened to me. In fact, I've already had disagreements with mom in law during my prewedding phase. It involved a dress. So you see, I already prepared a dress in advance for the casual outing photo but she didn't like it. I already said it's fine because the photographer already said OK. But then one day, my fiance told me his mom asked me to go out with her to the mall. I thought okay, bonding? Nope, she wanted me to look for another dress with her lol, after hours of looking we found one. But then the next day, I ended up using a dress from his sister... So yes, she's overbearing and opinionated.

When we got married, I told him that I'd rather we look for a house and pay installments. But he said it's better to live with the in laws because he wanted to inherit the store, which is right next door. So I compromised--which is a mistake. I thought I can trust my husband to talk to his mom when she gets too overbearing, but no, he'd rather say to ignore her. He can't stand up to her at all. 

And like what happened to you, it became everyday argument and when he keeps underestimating said problem, I... exploded.

In any case, thank you for being here, VersaceHostile.
Last week, I kept coming back here and re-read all the comments. It gave me strength and I'm slowly picking up myself. I can say I'm fine now, because I have you guys :')
Thanks again,